What Happens When Product Mascots Get Their Swerve On?

In this post, we won't be looking at movies. But this blog is dedicated to movie critiques. I don't care, fuck you. We will be looking at product mascots--which I've mostly been exposed to through TV so...close enough. Let's take a look at how many product mascots are clearly the result of an existing mascot fucking the shit out of an inanimate object.

1)



        
sticks old wiener in: 


to make:

 

2)

 

throws bird-dick amongst:

 

 

to shamefully birth:

 

3)

 

 

can't keep the money bag in his pants with:

 

 

and out pops this salty horror:

 

4)

 

faps into:

(yes, Ron Howard is an inanimate object)

to create marshmallowy McGinger:

 

5)

plunders:

 

and poops out:

 

6)

dangerously rams:

as well as:

 

 

to create:

 

Have You Ever Seen a Commercial Get Raped?

Like the title asks, have you ever seen a commercial get raped? No? Well, it just so happens I recently saw one commercial get violently raped by another. Below, you'll see what happens when Edge shaving gel decides gets all liquored up and molesty. It's like Edge is Biff Tannen and Old Spice is Mary McFly's mom in the parking lot of the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance. HEY YOU! GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF HER!

The Black Swan (2010)

Director Darren Aronofski puts down his razor blade, turns down the Cure, spits out a mouthful of vicodin, and refocuses his energy on a spunky feel good flick about the modern dance scene. It's like Flash Dance meets Coyote Ugly! It's like...what? Oh... She has soul-crushing emotional damage? She's crazy as fuck?.... She stabs herself to death? Nevermind...

John Murphy’s Music Makes Movies Real Goodlike

This piece of music is epic.

It was composed by John Murphy for a movie that was less than epic called Sunshine. Here’s a plot summary of Sunshine: 1) The sun is running out of sunshine; 2) Nerds have somehow built a spaceship that can go to the sun without melting like a stick of butter in Michael Moore’s butt; 3) A big-assed nuclear bomb can rekindle the magical glowing orb; 4) Some weird dude who captained a previous failed mission like...lives? on the sun…or something?…and gets into the spaceship and starts a-killin’.

Oh yeah, and the main protagonist is Cilian Murphy—yep, this creepy looking guy:

Except he's in space

Don't get me wrong, if we're talking about some weird creepy side character or an antagonist, he's perfect:

I'm a "bad guy"

But, as a protagonist, it just makes watching the movie uncomfortable. I can’t get into the film when I think the hero is going to try to corner me and do stuff to me. Just looking at him, you can tell that his gangly chem lab build belies secret creepy molestation strength that could overpower Charlie Sheen on a bender.

Imma git you...

Anyway, notwithstanding the fact that plot of Sunshine is kind of a shitty poop, it does have one of the most epic soundtracks ever. In fact the soundtrack is so great, it actually makes the movie fucking awesome. The music gives you spine shivers that trick you into thinking whatever you are watching is important. Check out this clip of the music paired with random silent clips of the movie—you want to see that fucker!

And moviemakers have sure as the sun(shine) is bright latched onto this score. It has been used and used and used to manipulate people into liking movies. Check out this preview for the Adjustment Bureau (the second half):

Sound familiar? How's about this clip from Kick-Ass:

Moral of the story: John Murphy's music makes movie real goodlike, and I am stupid enough to think any movie with this soundtrack is worth seeing.

Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Nominated for seven academy awards in 1994 (but losing to everyone's favorite simpleton, Forrest Gump), Shawshank Redemption is based on a Stephen King novella that incorporates King’s mathematically infallible (and Fields Medal-nominated) formula for producing phenomenal storytelling:

KING’S THEOREM

HOPE ≥ VIOLENT PRISON RAPE

Judge Dredd (1995)

In this futuristic legal thriller, Sylvester Stalone plays a hard-boiled old school lawyer, named “the Law” who is having trouble dealing with the fact that he is getting too old for the courtroom. But, with the help of his trainer, Mick Rambo (Mr. T.), the Law finds the courage to fly back over to Vietnam to enter an “over the top” arm wrestling tournament in order to save forsaken POWs who are hanging on the edge of an insurmountable cliff (John Lithgow).

Titanic (1997)

A work of directorial genius, James Cameron combines state-of-the-art graphics, music by Grammy Award-winning singer Celine Dion, and a love story that pulls at the heart of every viewer. Most impressively, Cameron attains a PG-13 rating on a movie with nearly full frontal nudity by sandwiching the skin at the exact midpoint of a 15 ½ hour film, ensuring (1) that the MPAA would not notice, and (2) that 12 year old boner-wielding tweens would watch it repeatedly frame-by-frame in an attempt to see luscious ginger-tinted fire crotch.

Back to the Future (1985)

Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) accidentally travels back to 1955 and gets stranded when his time machine runs out of jiggley-watts. In order to get back to 1985, Marty has to pretend to finger bang his mom (Lea Thompson) in the parking lot of her high school so that she’ll fall in love with his dad like she’s es-sposed-to. But things go wrong when Biff (that guy who plays Biff) tries to finger bang Marty’s mom for real. Great Scott!

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Recently dumped by his girlfriend and fed up with the suffocating safety and comfort of home, John Miller (Tom Hanks) and his group of buddies (Tom Sizemore, Vin Diesel, Adam Golberg, and Giovanni Ribisi) storm the beaches of France in this European holiday that they'll no doubt remember for the rest of their lives! This raucous adventure through the French countryside is prompted when John Miller meets "Mieke" (which, in German apparently means "Private Ryan") on the internet and falls in love. Now he's gonna go get him and bring him home... or at least die trying!

You wouldn't believe the bloody mess these testosterone-filled miscreants get into during their tour to get Private Ryan! Along the way, they run into soccer hooligans, Italian rapists, and friendly German truck drivers. This gang's antics are for adults only though. Perhaps Tom Hanks puts it best in the most memorable and comedic scene of the movie: "THIS is why we can't take children!!!"

Avatar (2009)

14-foot space cats adorn this 3D adventure about a perfect society where the trees are internets! Rated PG-13 for extra-species sex.

Inglorious Basterds (2009)

Tyler Durden and the temp from "The Office" star in Quentin Tarentino's take on WWII. In this rock-em-sock-em shit storm, our boy Quent flips the script so fuckin' hard you'll shit your skirt. His jews rip through the Nazis so fast the German army looks like a bunch of pussies being led by that little fuckin' spazz kid in your fifth grade science class. These jews fuck-rape so many Nazi assholes you'll forget the Holocaust even happened. This is by far the best movie about olden times since "300".

Gran Turino (2008)

In this fresh take on the zombie genre, Clint Eastwood plays Walt Kowalski, a living-dead guy who is prejudiced against his non-zombie neighbors. Eventually, Walt learns to tolerate, understand, and even love the “fleshies” next door and decides to help them by haunting their human gangster enemies in an effort to clean up the neighborhood.

Dear John (2010)

A movie that pairs the torso from GI Joe, She's the Man, Step Up, and Fighting, with the torso from Mean Girls, Alpha Dog, and Jennifer's Body(not that torso)? Another adaptation from the guy who wrote The Notebook? Sounds like a goddamn can't miss!

Denzel Washington: A Study in Stompin’ Shit Out

Denzel Washington, the most prolific actor in the universe, has demonstrated through the mangerie of kicking ass and taking names that is his career that he does one thing better than anyone else: stompin' shit out.

1. John Q: Denzel stomps out the inequitable healthcare system.
2. American Gangster: Denzel becomes ganster, stomps out the competition.
3. Training Day: Denzel stomps out Ethan Hawk’s naïve idealism.
4. Déjà Vu: Denzel stomps out history, teaching us it is OK to meddle with the space-time continuum as long as you look like a badass.
5. Man on Fire: Denzel stomps out mercy, then gangsters. Also stomps out title of movie by not setting self on fire.
6. The Hurricane: Denzel thinks about knockin’ out prejudice, or possibly rocking prejudice like a hurricane. Reconsiders, and instead stomps out prejudice.
7. Rememeber the Titans: Denzel stomps out prejudice again.
8. Philadelphia: Denzel stomps out prejudice and learns a valuable lesson about tolerance while remaining the archetype of masculinity.
9. Glory: Denzel stomps out some confederates and his old nemesis prejudice. Later, due to Matthew Broderick’s van dyke style Beard of Incompetence, eventually gets stomped out himself at the battle of Ft. Wagner.
10. Crimson Tide: Denzel stomps out nuclear holocaust. In process, stomps out Gene Hackman and some subtle implications of prejudice. Triple stomp! Floats buoy in celebration.
11. Fallen: Denzel stomps out demon. Kills John Goodman in process.
12. The Bone Collector: Denzel stomps out the impression that quadriplegics can’t live fulfilling, meaningful lives. Celebrates by stomping out serial killer for which movie is named.

How movies teach us valuable things... like stereotypes: The Princess Bride (1987)

As a teaching aid far superior to books, movies have the ability to expose us to stereotypes and prejudices we wouldn't otherwise be aware of as we go through our everyday lives. The Princess Bride is a fantastical tale about friendship, true love, and adventure. More valuable than these boring, wholesome lessons, however, are the other not-so-subtle teachings it offers. Here are some of the lessons I learned from watching this movie:

People who have physical deformities are either evil, foreign, or stupid. This includes short people, bald people, giants, and those with extra fingers. It is O.K. to openly resent them.

All Spaniards are drunks, and are not to be trusted. They are obsessed with revenge, and repeat their name frequently in inappropriate circumstances.

Don't ever be tempted to make friends with an albino. They are gross, they live underground, and they construct elaborate torture machines to drain years from your life. Like people with physical deformities, it is O.K. to openly resent them.

Finally, if your grandfather wants to come over in the middle of the day to read you a story alone in your bedroom while your mother is at work, you are probably going to be molested. The best thing to do is repress the memory now, and talk about it later.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008)

In a significant departure from his prior roles, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist features Michael Cera as an offbeat teen that falls in love with another equally offbeat teen (Kat Dennings). This film is a unique addition to this prolific actor’s already diverse catalog.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Cloistered misanthrope takes suspiciously benevolent interest in prepubescent children. Attempts to murder/maim them in candy-themed torture chamber. Gives torture chamber to surviving child and slovenly old man. Blasts off into oblivion in glass rocket ship.

Hook (1991)

Robin Williams plays the role of Peter Banning, an attorney who returns to Thailand to represent a group of child-killing pirates headed by the fearsome Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman). When he arrives, he is kidnapped by a group of young defenseless homeless boys and begins living with them in the trees. Later, Peter returns home, only to find out that he used to fondle his Granny Wendy (Maggie Smith).

Under-Appreciated Actor Profile: Tim Curry

It's Tim-Curry-Time!

You may recognize this thespian from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, playing Cardinal Richelieu in The Three Musketeers, or for his infamous role as Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island.

Born into a working class family in Flint, Michigan, this son of a rust miner worked tirelessly on a fake British accent and an even faker British goatee in order to fool casting directors into believing he was the product of Birmingham University, a mere 100 miles north of foggy-Londontown. Alas, the preposterous lie was unsuccessful, and during the summer of 1984 the uniquely-American Curry nearly gave up his dream of playing the evil-doer in every kid's movie, ever. But, Curry knew what happens to dreams deferred. Raisins.

So, TC put his luscious goat to work, toiling in relative obscurity through most of the 70s, 80s, and mid-90s, drifting from odd-job to odd-job until he caught his break in 1996 as Zimbo in AAAHH!!! Real Monsters. To this day, this is his most recognizable role and the only one for which he has ever been paid.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

No biblical occult artifacts? No maniacally evil Nazi villains that you love to hate? Only a stupid picture of Sean Connery? Aliens? Shia LaBouffe? Why don’t you just kick me in the nuts and steal $12 out of my wallet?

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Rob Schneider sets aside his more dramatic acting shoes to play a bumbling bell hop named Cedric who gets more than he bargained for when Kevin McCallister checks in.... Also, Marv and Harry attempt to murder a child again.

Fight Club (1999)

In this light-hearted romantic comedy, Jack (Ed Norton) and Tyler (Brad Pitt) go into business for themselves making pink soap that the whole town can’t get enough of. Everything was going great until Marla Hendrix showed up! Will Jack and Tyler be able to maintain their business and their friendship when this sexy woman comes between them?